Cammo Style Love: When do you know...a hard post

Thursday, September 20, 2012

When do you know...a hard post





        So, I've thought a lot about writing about this. It's a tough subject for me and I think its a tough subject for a lot of people.  I haven't really been sure exactly how to talk about it.  I have three beautiful children.  I know that I am lucky and blessed.  Its not that I'm not grateful but there's a looming question...when do you know you are done?  I know that I can't be alone in this.  I know there are other people out there that have thought about this.  I mean, isn't that one of the first several conversations you have with your soon-to-be-husband?  I knew that I wanted more than two, probably three or four.  He said two or...whatever..I never really nailed him down on an exact number; but heck, I wasn't nailed down to an exact number either.
But when you're 21 and getting married, living life and having fun who even thinks about such things.



We have three beautiful children, we're lucky.  I know that.  I wrestle all the time with these feelings.  Why do I even let myself have these feelings?  I'm just being ungrateful and selfish.  Many times I often wonder if how crazy our life has been for the last 11 months (wow has it already been 11 months) has contributed to the feeling.  Having a very busy Mr. Air Force might be another reason.  But telling myself any of those things doesn't make me feel better.  Keeping them in isn't doing me any favors either.  I've recently been faced with having to decide what to do with all the baby stuff that we aren't using anymore.  There's a consignment sale coming up and after the move organization is the key to functioning well.  Every time I go through the clothes I lose it.  I'm putting off finishing the job too.  The items have to be entered in and tagged for drop off in a week.  A huge pile of clothing is building up in the playroom.  There are car seats, a bouncy chair, a swing and various other items in the kids' closet.  Every time I look at them a lump wells up in my throat.  Tears rim in my eyes.  When my son started kindergarten, I didn't cry; but when I picked up my youngest from his nap and absolutely lost it at the thought of this being my last one.  Is it just typical, "this is my last baby" thoughts?  I don't know.  I don't really know how other people feel about this topic because I don't really think people talk about it.  One of my friends told me that they weren't sure and one time they had a scare and that's when they knew.   That doesn't apply to me.


         Perhaps its a feeling that will never go away, but we will make a decision based on our financial responsibilities, our situation in life and our age to stop.  I'll just learn how to cope with the feelings.  I mean I don't know if having another child will make this feeling go away no matter how much I try to rationalize in my head that it would.  It would have been fun to have another girl - you know bows and dresses and all that stuff.  How do I know if I had had a girl, or were to have a girl - two of each - if that would make the feeling go away.  I've talked about it with the Mr., but I don't really know if he is capable of really understanding.  He's a man, I'm a woman - the whole Mars and Venus thing.  I'm not really even sure what I want him to do or say.  If you were to ask someone who really knew me they would probably tell you that I'm a sensitive person, rather emotional and I cry.  I cry when I'm happy, sad, something is funny, worried, when a song comes on a radio.  Basically I'm an emotional person....I run on high.  I like a cause.  Sometimes I feel like I have to defend myself and get...well, defensive.  I'm definitely a strong individual but sometimes I can be a bit of a people-pleaser, I worry.  Do all of those things have anything to do with how I'm feeling now?  This ache in my stomach, this feeling that at any moment I just might start crying in the middle of the store or totally lose it in front of my kids?  Maybe.  I also feel completely ridiculous.  Why can't I "handle" this? I know I just need to get on my knees and pray.  Pray like I've never prayed before.  Maybe there's a part of me that is scared at what the answer will be.


Has anyone else felt like this?  Is anyone else feeling like this now?  Am I alone.

5 comments:

  1. I just want you to know that I have struggled with infertility issues for 3 years and this post DID NOT offend me at all. I can tell that you are grateful for your children and love them dearly, I think it is normal to feel how you are feeling, there is nothing wrong with that. HUGS!!!!

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  2. You sound like a your a real loving and caring mother. I think it's normal to feel that way though. My baby just turned 12 :(

    I found you on Thirsty Thursday and I'm now following you. Hope you have a great day.

    Bonnie @ www.alittleunhinged.com

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  3. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have yet to get pregnant. After having a problem with bleeding, I've had to go on BCP for the past 10 months and we are finally ready to start trying again, but I have to take Clomidin to ovulate, so we're definitely in the "infertility" category. This post doesn't offend me at all. I think it is wise to assess your financial capabilities to raise another child, but all in all...I think leaving it up to God is what we should all do. Whether you decide to get pregnant again or not, God will provide a way. He never gives us more than we can handle. I've followed your blog for a couple of years now and I think you're a great Mom. I do not think it is selfish to want more children. I'm all for the quiver-full movement! :P The more the merrier! Praying that you follow your heart and find peace on this subject!
    Whitney in AL

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  4. Hi there! I found you on the blog hop and I’m now following you! I’d love a follow back at http://www.sugarplumsandlollipops.blogspot.com and on Pinterest. I follow back all of my Pinterest followers :)

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  5. You are not alone!!! This post sounds just how I feel. I do think that having a baby around makes you think about this more, but I think I came to the conclusion that I will always want more. Even if we had another baby, I think I would be pushing for the fourth. Even when I'm 50, I will still be wanting to have a baby. I will always have baby fever!!! If you ever need to talk I am always here.

    p.s. I think you should go for it. You two are great parents and make really cute babies.

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